Expectations. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Moving On.

A simple title for a complex blog.  Should be as easy to do as it is to write, but it is a daily struggle for all of us, no matter your battle!  But while sitting at church recently,then following the service, I think it finally, really, hit me. God sent my son with high functioning autism to me for a reason. To teach me the true meaning of true forgiveness. But it’s more than forgiveness.  After much contemplation, I realized I had to start with expectations, acceptance, then forgiveness.

That day God spoke to me from the pulpit while another lesson was unfolding in real time. Let me give you some background.

My son has had a checkered past at church.  He was asked to leave the pre-school program and was seen by some parents as a disruption to the Sunday school.  This all happened while we were fighting for the school district to do an evaluation. We couldn’t see a psychologist or pediatric neurologist without the district eval. And no one takes your word when you are going through pre-diagnosis. And without the diagnosis, the judgement from others is constant. We were living in chaos, but I wanted to keep going to church.

To keep church a priority in our lives, my family and I put together an option to make church a safe place for kids like mine who have differences. The idea, with full funding included, was blown off by the minister at that time.  Between getting services for my son, my illness and making sure Queen Kong got what she needs, I eventually gave up on church and trying to make a space for my son.  Not God, I felt him with us and prayed to him everyday, but I gave up on some of his people. Ministers in there best intentions to spread the word to the world sometimes forget that Jesus went after the one, not the ninety-nine.

We stopped going because someone in a place of power deemed my son’s needs not important.  We stopped going because we couldn’t get our big idea up and running. A big idea that we thought would make change.  We stopped going because there were a handful of people who judged us and clearly said things about us.  (You have to watch what you say around kiddos – they are sponges and parrots!)  And we stopped going because we were tired and getting ready for church with kids regardless is exhausting.  But really the most selfish reason was we felt judged and less than because of how a few thought of us.

God has been working on my heart about going back to church.  We decided to try again.  We had to really give ourselves a pep talk to make ourselves get ready and go.  The biggest reason we gave ourselves was that we weren’t the problem.  The problem is how others perceive those who are different…diagnosis or not.  The problem is my expectation is that all parents accept children, warts and all.  My expectation is that everyone would agree that these children are important and are worth making changes for inclusion. My expectation is that people would open their children’s eyes about being patient and kind to kids who are fighting a big battle at a young age.  The truth is not everyone can support those who are different…so I have to adjust my expectation to avoid being hurt.  And hurt feelings hinder my ability to be an effective parent and advocate.

So now we are working on acceptance. God doesn’t make mistakes. And quite frankly, what I have learned from my son has made me a better mother and person all around.  And our friends and family who have leaned in tell us how much they have learned and that they feel like they see the world through new eyes. Amen!

So back to this particular Sunday. My son showed up decked out in his most handsome suit complete with pocket handkerchief. After children’s moment, I walked him to class. On the way to Sunday school, one of the older girls told her friend to “stay away from him” and pointed right at him.  I didn’t correct her. I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I opened it.  After I sat with him in class and he felt settled, I went back to service to hear the message.  Because after that, I really needed it.

Our minister spoke of Jonah, the reluctant prophet, and how he ignored God’s request to go to Nineveh.  What God had asked him to do was too hard.  He didn’t want to.  He was scared and it was out of his comfort zone.  He then discussed how God works through us for change.  He spoke of grace, healing and how true forgiveness can heal our wounds.  But what hit me was that Jonah did the bare minimum.  Jonah did the bare minimum and that small act changed an entire city.

When I picked up my son after service I did what every nervous parent of a special needs kid does. Immediately asked if everything was ok with panic in my voice. We were told everything was fine, but that there was an incident and then it was very briefly addressed.

Our son told us that the girl who had been told to stay away from him told him to show everyone his underwear. This isn’t uncommon for kids to give children with autism directions that lead to embarrassment or trouble.  We are lucky.  Our ABA therapist has worked hard with our son on managing these situations.  To our excitement, he made the right choice!  He ran from the girls and told the teacher.  In the past, he would have followed through with the request, gotten in trouble and then gone into fight or flight and a full melt down because he wouldn’t have been able to tell his side of the story.

I spent the car ride home with a tight chest and racing heart.  I was in pain that kids would bully my son who I love just as much, if not more, than any parent can.  Then I was pissed.  If this had been one year earlier, the ending of this story would have been much different. He would have been thrown under the bus and the judgement would have come tumbling after.  We would have been left holding the bag.  Instead, the fact that another normal child tried to embarrass him was blown off because “it wasn’t like her”.  Where’s the justice?  It’s human nature to ask that question. That’s what we want when we have been wronged.  I told myself that we are never going back.  And then, my son asked if we were going back next week.  What?!?

I have been avoiding church, much like Jonah was avoiding Nineveh. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to deal with those few who are judgmental of my family.  God has been telling me to go back and I’ve ignored him. I have ignored those who embrace my family. Ignoring their constant requests and invitations to return to church by letting my hurt feelings get in the way.

What prompted our return was my son’s constant requests to go back. I prayed very hard and realized that we needed to go back. And then in the midst of deciding I was never going back, God reached out via my son again and reminded me that we just have to do the bare minimum.  We just have to show up while God is telling us to and then we have the chance to make change too.

As I noted in another blog, sometimes it is easier for us to isolate ourselves to avoid hurt feelings.  But now that we have fully accepted our son’s diagnosis we need to teach the world that they should accept him, as well as all children with differences.  That means we have to show up.  We must expect a rocky road to prevent hurt feelings. We have to accept that our path is different.  We have to forgive and move on.  Otherwise, others will keep us from enjoying our life, growing in our faith and being light to the world.  And our son is a light too bright to keep at home!

Moving On

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8 thoughts on “Expectations. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Moving On.

  1. Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to your feeling a lot. Church is a weekly struggle for us too. I’ve written a bit about our son with ASD and church too on my blog. Your post encouraged me that I am not alone.

  2. Oh my days-this is so entirely our experience too.Our church(which we have been part of for 14 years)has recently moved the entire childrens work into a huge room for all ages up about 36 steep stairs.I have a nine year old with mobility issues.We (and she)are well known in the church and nobody thought it would be an issue or told us about it.After 2 years of struggle we’ve just given up.Unfortunately Pearl(who is also non verbal) uses her communication book almost daily to tell us she wants to go to church.So the jury’s out on what we’re going to do at the moment! My 15 year old has Aspergers and he finds church an overwhelming sensory experience so won’t come.We’re looking for a whole new church model I think-preferably on one level with symbols,and decent coffee and muffins!Will be interested to know how you get on!

  3. B.L.P. says:

    As a mom with an adult son on the autism spectrum, I’m wondering if you’ve thought ahead to how to help your church accept the differences in grown-ups as well as children? Kids are at least cute–adults not so much. We’ve tried a number of churches, but the sensory issues and the disapproving glances and comments are more than we can deal with. So we worship at home. Isolated? Sure. Fortunately there are examples in Scripture of God’s people who have felt and functioned alone, depending on Him only (consider, for instance, the prophets, or even Paul in prison). But even so, fellowship is a lot to forfeit in order to stay in touch with our son (who, BTW, does NOT beg to go to church–he’s aware enough to know he’s not welcome there).

    I can so identify with the need to face up to our EXPECTATIONS, and then to ACCEPT that this side of heaven they’re not going to be met by our fellow Christians. The important step of FORGIVENESS is essential to our spiritual well-being. But none of that actually results in a church that is modeling the love of Jesus Christ for His creation.

    Pearlijean, I am so sorry that your daughter’s mobility issues have been so cavalierly ignored. One of the saddest truths about recent church history is that when the Americans with Disabilities Act was being considered, the Evangelical churches joined together to block the government from demanding that churches comply. So–no need for accessibility, no need to consider the needs of “the least of these.” Absolutely shameful–and yet another opportunity for us as parents to exercise and model FORGIVENESS.

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